she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Randomize