I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
