I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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