The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
