i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize