You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
