grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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