Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
