I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
