it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
