And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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