she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
