Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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