Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
