I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
