You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
