Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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