Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
