We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
