You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
