you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
