I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
