even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
