He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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