i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
