Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
