better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
