Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
