get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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