just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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