I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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