If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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