nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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