I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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