Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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