I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize