i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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