Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
