Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
