New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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