Her vagina should come with caution tape.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
