She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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