so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
