someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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