I'm so fucking centered right now
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
