Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
