oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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