All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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