I think my fart just growled at me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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