i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
