My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my shit smells like andre
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
