Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
