I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
