is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
