I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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