I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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