Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
