Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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