The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
