I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
