im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
