piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
