i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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