Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
