U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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